Sperm Bank Hoax Was Fun While It Lasted

Any healthy, red-blooded male reader would have told you that the news, late last year, about the Shanghai Sperm Bank seemed almost too good to be true. And indeed, if the report was anything to go by, this was a medical facility with a real difference.

Apart from jabbing a pointy-ended tube into the crook of the elbow, there’s no way of actually coaxing blood out of a patient’s arm (at least if you’re trying to keep them alive).

Semen, of course, is a different story. Humankind has devoted millennia to researching the matter, and the techniques for encouraging the flow of this vital fluid have pretty much been perfected by now.

The photo that accompanied the sperm bank story depicted several attractive, squeaky clean, young females ably assisting patients with one such method. The uniformed gals went about their task with great diligence—which is just what you’d expect, considering how notoriously difficult the average man is to arouse.

By the way, the donors were fully suited up too, masks and all, presumably in the interest of hygiene. The article’s author completed the profile by providing the Shanghai Sperm Bank’s address, as well as helpful donor details: how often (4-5X/month), maximum allowed donations per visit (3), and pay rate (US$30/session).

Well, we hate to be the ones to break the shocking news, but the Shanghai Sperm Bank story has turned out to be a hoax! After receiving inquiries from interested—extremely interested, we’d guess—potential donors, an official at Renji Hospital, the facility’s actual home, scrambled to set the record straight.

“These pictures are completely misleading,” said Li Jin. “We never have female nurses assisting in sperm collection, which is done by the donor himself, alone in a special room.” The hospital claims to follow strict ethical guidelines, and reports that no complaints to the contrary have ever been received.

Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to tell us there’s no Santa Claus.